It’s been a while since the K’Nex franchise has been on my radar, but I think I know where it does business now- in China, making highly breakable umbrellas. The Umbrella is China’s ‘it’ accessory, making sure that miniscule pale fashionistas ’twill endure wind and weather.’ For the main reason that umbrellas are not only aesthetic but also functional, the longevity of the fad is essentially ensured until force fields become portable. Like other other items of daily use, such as gum, lighters and firearm ammunition, the umbrella has been given an ‘it might as well be cute’ treatment, mass-produced, and given its rightful spot at the side of every reputable cashier in China.
OToday, while my high-cute, low-quality product lies in pieces in my (now very wet) hands as I ponder the probability of the term ‘acid rain’ being a euphemism for something even more gruesome. However, while the defunct umbrella has at times proven less than useful in the rain, its poorly melded elements contribute to my safety/suavity in other elements.
1. Grocery Lines: The Chinese 排队 in a style in line with (in the least offensive way possible) starving piranhas. When battling your way to the front of a Chinese clusterf**k, your umbrella makes for a particularly effective weapon when brandished open-face. If you bought it in China, however, there’s a low likelihood that it will survive more than one of these Hail Marys.
2. Pedestrian Xing: Crossing the street is an extremist religious activity in China; the choice to traverse the road is made on faith alone. Though stopping hurtling cars is essentially out of your hands once you’re already in the street, you might as well go down with a fight. Many members of the animal kingdom, when threatened, amplify an aspect of themselves so as to instill fear in whichever vagrant be givin’ dem a problem. It is suggested that in the moments before your demise, unleashing an umbrella between yourself and a car is at least AN attempt at self-defense, however ill-fated. Quote ‘Braveheart’ for extra-credit.
3. Rafting: When I think about Asia, I don’t think about rain. I think about fatal, cascading torrents knocking down buildings and displacing small cattle. However, unlike with cars (unless being a hood ornament is your transportation method of choice), you can make a flood work for you. Simply flip your umbrella over, grab onto the handle, take out your chopsticks, and row.
4. Birdbath: Hang it up with your clothes, which are obviously hanging on a line outside so that the rain can water them. Holding your sopping attire at a distance, conspire against your cruel, cruel, dry-clothes-drenching reality to the songbird soundtrack in the background. Encourage certain bird appearances by putting out available foodstuffs, like the reject oil packets from Ramen dishes. If you’d rather be the one having the foodstuffs, put hot water in the umbrella with the oil packets, and season accordingly.